firing phaser two, captain

I got back home today after a day's traveling, and received the best present of all.  Worf came running out of the garage to say hello to me!  He had been missing since the day before I left for DC, and I was super bummed.  I have no idea what sorts of escapades, sexual and otherwise, that he may have gotten up to, but it looks like he had an adventure of some sort.  He's definitely lost weight, which doesn't bode well for the future as I had set out several enormous bowls of food and water in case he came back while I was in DC.  Ah, what are you gonna do?  All's well that ends well, but his ass is stuck inside until we figure out a more workable situation.  Thanks to everyone who was supportive, that was really cool of you.

conflicted

I'm in DC for the first time in a month.  I've actually been here for a few days, and am leaving tomorrow.  It's been an unusual trip, but a good time nonetheless.  Tonight Alex and I went to the Lady Gaga concert, which was pretty awesome.  A great ending to a great trip.  Tomorrow I'm going in with Alex to my most recent former place of employment, where I hope to see some colleagues and friends.

The title of today's post comes from my current state of emotion.  I was asked several times while here if I missed DC.  I've given that particular topic a lot of thought, and have decided that no, I do not miss DC.  I do miss the friendships I have developed here over the years, and of course my parents in Baltimore whom I was also fortunate enough to see during this visit.  I do not, however, miss Washington DC.  When I first moved to DC, a friend was on his way out.  When asked about the reason he was leaving DC (beyond simply a job move), he said "you'll understand eventually."  I do, now.  DC is a great city, but there's something about it that I either no longer can tolerate or have need for that I do not yet understand.  I'll have to meditate on that a bit more, but preliminarily I think that part of the reason lies with the great density that surrounds everyone all the time when they are in a big city.  Perhaps it is the bigger question of urban vs. rural.  Or the old East Coast vs. West Coast argument (well, in my case, East Coast vs. Southwest).

After having lived in Annapolis, Baltimore, Germany, Washington DC and now New Mexico, I can say that the first four are quite similar but have subtle differences.  New Mexico feels like it could be the moon compared to the higher density urban living that my other places of residence offered.  I like it a lot, but it would be really hard to say that I preferred one location over another in this case, because there are not so many common elements shared between the two geo-social locales (I made that word up, lest one tries to look it up and is unable to find it).

As I bid a fond farewell to the gleaming marble towers and busy streets of Washington DC for the red rock and wide mesas of New Mexico, I find myself looking forward to feeling the warm breeze in my hair and the gentle sun on my back.  I love my new home, which has embraced me with open arms.  I am also glad that I have DC as a good friend, keeping the light on until I come back again to visit.

next gas food lodging

Today's title photo came courtesy of an abandoned store on Route 66.  Of course, it could have just as easily been occupied, but sometimes it's hard to tell the difference here.  I must say, one of my favorite things to do here is to hop in the car and drive down Rt 66 at sunset, to watch all the bright signs and flashing lights against the backdrop of a clear sky and an orange colored sun.  The camera my father so kindly gave to me is pretty good about catching that particular effect (at least getting the sky colors right at sunset).  I took some other pictures recently, and have posted them all on the blog as well.

The two top pictures are of Worf and my back yard area.  It's filled with two apple trees, a concrete patio, and a whole lot of gravel.  My plan is to clean out all the detritus and then make it into a little zen garden with a rake.  That sounds like a relaxing project to get into.

Worf is really happy here.  His hunting skills could use some work, but he's gotten good at catching the biblical locusts and bringing them inside to harass/eat them further.  He's still pretty uppity for someone who eats bugs all day long.  Last night he got into his first fight outside with another cat, and was a total (please excuse the expression) pussy about the whole thing.  I had to go and look for him in my neighbor's yard and then bring him and his puffy tail back home.  Being out during the daytime doesn't seem to hold the same adventurous spirit for him, which is nice because then I don't have to be on his back all the time.

Today is the final day of orientation, which I am very glad to see almost over. The gentleman who gave the IT portion of the talk today strikes me as someone who most likely has progressed rapidly and far during his tenure with the government.

My grandfather in San Rafael, CA has invited me to his place for Thanksgiving.  I gave a tentative yes depending on my work schedule.  It's nice to have something to look forward to.

Alas, I must depart, as the Siren's call of another Human Resources presentation beckons, and I cannot resist its intoxicating sound...

ambrosia of the gods

Gallup isn't what you'd call a wine-lover's paradise.  This is ironic, as McKinley County (of which Gallup is the largest city and county seat) has the highest rate of alcoholism in the United States.  I was invited to a colleague's house for dinner tomorrow evening, and thought I'd bring a few bottles of wine as a gift.  So I hopped on my bike, which in itself is an adventure; the Gallup street system almost seems to have been designed to keep away people on bikes.  My destination?  A liquor store that has a selection of wines from which to choose.  This proved more difficult than I imagined; Gallup seemingly has more liquor stores than people, but not a one of them has wine that isn't either in a box, a 2-gallon jug, or made using anti-freeze.  I eventually found a place that had more than the usual suspects, the Albertson's grocery store chain, and even their selection was a little stilted.  There is plenty of hard liquor to be found in Gallup, please to note.  What this says to me is that depression, alcoholism, and poverty all run together into a river that resembles Styx of the Nine Circles of Hell fame.  Where does this all come from?  The general assumption is that the alcoholism stems from the pervasive lack of quality education, as well as economic opportunities.

The Navajo believe that problems like drug addiction, alcoholism, and general lack of self-care can all be attributed to larger problems that are not being dealt with, and a life that is out of balance with the Universe.  If the alcohol weren't here (as some would have it, as is the law on the Navajo Rez and most Indian gambling establishments), it would just be something else.  At any given time, there is someone with the DTs withdrawing from alcohol in the ICU where I work.  It seems like this is a problem that isn't being solved.

I'm just putting it out there today as food for thought.  This is clearly a problem that has many different heads, not least of all that Indians in general seem to be caught between two different worlds; that of the white man (or Anglo) and the traditional, indigenous way of life.  This is a phenomenon that I hope to explore in more detail the longer I live here.

I want to end this entry with a snappy one-liner, but given the topic I just don't feel like that would be appropriate.

you gotta keep the devil way down in the hole

I was casually perusing through the [paper] records of all my patients' lab results today, and was intrigued to discover that he had been tested for both the Plague and hantavirus  before he was admitted to the ICU, in order to rule out both of those afflictions; I later found out that this is a routine test for most patients admitted in this area.  Plus, as the weather grows colder, I am finding more and more dead insects that can only be described as the locusts of biblical fame around my house and yard.  The striking differences between Washington DC and Gallup NM are numerous and many, friends.  They continue to multiply with alarming frequency.

I met a respiratory therapist at work this week, his name is Ernie.  He's a great guy.  He asked me what I do for fun, as I don't eat meat, I don't drink, and I don't have a TV.  Now, what eating meat has to do with having fun, I do not know.  At any rate, I didn't have a whole lot to respond to him, but this past weekend was simply chock full of fun and excitement.  The horseback riding thing was great, and yesterday I explored the Gallup High Desert Trail System, which was pretty amazing.  I took some photogs, please to see below.

So where did I get the title for this posting?  It's the eponymous line from a song by Tom Waits, one of my favorites of his, and I think it's applicable to everyone.  I won't go off on a long tangent about the eternal struggle between good and evil that resides inside every human being, but you get my drift with the title of this entry.  We all have the devil inside us; it's important to remember to acknowledge his existence and take precautions, then to keep him way down in the hole.  Just as it's important to remember to make every attempt to avoid the Plague and other potential unpleasantnesses.

the narrow gate

I had a great email convo with my brother today.  I was looking for the inspiration for my next blog entry, and Bert provided it.

My favorite Bible quote is Matthew 7:13-14; "Go in through the narrow gate; because broad and spacious is the road leading off into destruction, and many are the ones going in through it; whereas narrow is the gate and cramped the road leading off into life, and few are the ones finding it."

I've always been sort of unsure if coming out here was such a great idea.  Given everything that happened last year, I think the conventional thinking is that it's important to be around other people.  No man is an island unto himself, and I am no different.  I think that Bert had the same observations, which led me into a period of introspection.

The way I have interacted with others has been fundamentally flawed, and I realized this only after an epiphany of sorts earlier this year (among a great many other things that were unveiled to me about myself).  So I put the brakes on and moved out here in part so that I could get my head on straight.

But enough about me; this really is something that applies to everyone.  Part of learning how to live is learning how to live with others.  Through dealing with others, I think there's a new facet of personal understanding that is revealed to the beholder.  In order to get to baseline, though, one needs to truly understand and appreciate the uniqueness within themselves first.  If one starts out at zero when everyone else is half full, then nothing can ever be right.

Coming out here is my narrow gate.  It's hard, being alone a lot of the time, but that carries it's own rewards.  The important thing is to keep one's eye on the prize, and realize that it's all part of the difficult process of learning how to self-actualize.

Onto lighter, more fun things!!  I went horseback riding yesterday!  My friend Sarah (not her real name), who is a contract nurse at GIMC, brings her two horses with her wherever she goes, and kindly offered to teach me how to ride a horse.  So I rode on a gray stallion, his name is Possum.  The other horse in the pictures is an Arabian named Omar.  It was pretty amazing, riding a horse, which I've never done before, and I got some stellar pictures.  I also went driving around during the extended period of dusk they have here, and got some nice pictures of the sunset.  New Mexico truly is the Land of Enchantment, and that's not just their state motto.

Worf is doing well; that seems to be a question on everyone's mind.  He's adjusted really well to being out here.  I feel bad leaving him home all day alone, but he doesn't seem to be too upset by it.  I kind of wish I had a friend for him, but I'm also a little afraid at what he might do to another cat living here.  He's been a great source of enjoyment for me, though.  He's learning how to climb trees, and can even climb up to the roof of the house and get back down again.  He still hasn't gotten a hang of hunting the many birds that fly around here, and gets freaked out by my neighbors all the time, but that's to be expected I suppose.

Mad props go out to my cuz Kendra and her husband Greg, who just got married on the island of Maui on Thursday!  Congratulations Kendra and Greg!

on seeing the world through cleaner glasses

What to write, I ask myself? After two weeks or so of keeping up this blog, it's hard to stay fresh and think of new ideas. The truth is, there's actually a lot going on, you just can't see it. Being alone has really brought me into a different mindset. I was scared, at first, at the thought of all this alone time and solitude. I'm beginning to realize that being alone is the best way of resetting your own personal clock and understanding why things are the way they are.

A good example of this came today, actually. First, at work, there was a discussion of the physical size of Gallup, which is very small. The population size also came up (~20,000). This topic arose because I asked about another health care facility within the Navajo Area Indian Health Service, called Chinle. The overwhelming agreement amongst my colleagues was that Chinle is located in a region much to remote to inhabit, and that because of this fact (and other factors, I'm assuming) is undesirable. I commented that I like how small Gallup is.  Then at the Wal-Mart this afternoon, I saw some girls dressed in fashions that may have been popular in the early nineties using their mobile phones to text their friends, and saying catty things to one another. A few things occurred to me, chief among them the support for my earlier theory that popular culture totally flew by this town for the past 50 years. Also, the desirability of a place to live and a lifestyle to live ultimately might can be pared down to personal relativity; that is to say that something might only be desirable or undesirable because of what you can compare it to. In addition to one's personal preferences, of course, but that's also influenced by one's experiences in life.  Many of the things I took for granted in DC are novelties here, and I've come to realize that a lot of it just complicates things in one's life.

Where am I going with this? Well, I came to the realization today that with everywhere I've been, and all the different places I've lived, I've kind of just wanted peace and quiet, but always got embroiled in something else that kept me away from peace and quiet. The noise of other people scurrying about can be deafening, and if you don't know how to block it out, then life can be a little difficult sometimes. It's very quiet here in Gallup, even when it's busy, and I imagine it's even more quiet in Chinle. I no longer feel like that's to be considered a negative.

I loved living in DC.  I made a lot of good friends, and it's a beautiful city.  At the same time, I also feel like DC kind of chewed me up and spit me out.  Living in the "big city" is great for some people, and I would never knock the merits of living in a major metropolis.  But I've lived in Annapolis, Berlin, Baltimore, DC, and now Gallup.  Even though I'm in the minority (race-wise) in Gallup, I feel closer to self-actualization than I've ever been before.  I know I'm generalizing here, but there's a lot of self-created drama amongst the middle class in large cities (myself included).  In Gallup, most people seem more occupied with more fundamental concerns (like how they are going to earn their next paycheck), and this offers a certain clarity of vision that perhaps is lacking in places like DC.

Maybe this is all symptomatic of a larger problem.  Mobile phones, cable TV, Facebook, etc; these are all things that we've embraced as a means of staying in touch with other human beings, and by extension, adding to our life's fulfillment.  In a sense, however, this keeps us from knowing ourselves better because we are so occupied with getting to know someone else.  Thoughts?